It took me a long time to know that when I forgive, I am able to live better. I am able to live happier. I am able to live.
Colossians 3:13. Forgive as the Lord forgave you
It took even longer for me to realize when I forgave myself, everything worked out for the better. I was able to heal.
Jesus died for all of us, His death allows us to forgive the sins we commit and the sins that are committed against us.
I forgave my abusers. I forgave the judge. I forgave the cops. I forgave my mom. I forgave the misdiagnosis from therapists. I forgave so many that sinned against me.
Most of all I forgave my sins I committed against me. In addiction I did things that I would never think of doing while sober. Before and after my addiction. Prostitution was a huge one. I was raised to value my body. But I saw no one else valued it so why not. I saw that men would pay for drinks to get sex. Pay for dinner. Pay for a movie and I was giving it up for that. Why not stop wasting time and just get the money they would have spent and jump into bed.
Luke 24:34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
As sinners, we all do it, I like to think that Jesus was right. That we do not know what we are doing. I think, or like to think, in most cases we don't know we are sinning or the extent of our sins. Once we realize our sins, we grow. We work hard to not continue to do it. We repent.
I was a sinner in addiction. Addiction was my sin. On top of the other sins that I was committing, I thought there was no way God was going to forgive me. That my time on earth was going to end with me in hell. Little did I know, God was forgiving me. He forgave me with every sin. He forgave me for every drink. He forgave me each time I snorted cocaine. He was just waiting. He wrote my book long before I was born, so he knew. He knew one day I would get it. He knew one day I would be able to tell my story. Because I survived.
Psalm 32:5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin
I got sober and learned how to live a different life. I got married and started a new family. I have two sons from a previous relationship, and I did my best to be involved in their lives. They didn't see me often in an addicted moment. Maybe they did and just thought ohhh that's just my normal mom. She is always like that. I think maybe that is truer.
I missed a lot of their lives. Their dad raised them when our oldest was 5. I tried so hard to be involved but I couldn't stay out of jail, and I couldn't stay clean. I did better when my parents were around, but I couldn't wait for them to go back to their dads so I could drink again.
But when I got sober, I called them and I saw them when I could. They were in my wedding.
I reached 5 years of sobriety when a tragic event in my life happened. My mom died. My husband preformed cpr on her for 20 minutes until emergency showed up. They worked on her longer until they got a heart beat. They transferred her to the hospital where two days later I had to take her off life support. Because of all of that, I stopped living. I stopped doing things. I was living in a nightmare while I was awake.
She died in October and my oldest son's birthday is in November. I wasn't able to buy him a gift because I wasn't able to work. Christmas came around and again I wasn't able to get them gifts. I told them I had but I lied. After that they stopped talking to me.
I didn't blame them. I am sure they thought I was using again. They were tired of me making promises and breaking them.
I text them, I called them. I bribed them. and got nothing back.
I did this for a couple of years when finally, I had to stop. I prayed. I forgave myself for my actions. I text them and explained that I would leave them alone. I explained why I did what I did and that I did not expect forgiveness from them but hoped that one day they would forgive me. That if that happens I would be there for them. Its been 5 years since I've talked to my sons. They graduated high school, our oldest is in college and my 2nd born was a an athlete. I missed their whole lives.
I wanted to be a part of the rest of their lives. But if I continued to beg them, I would miss out on the life I had. Likely would have started drinking again.
I promised a long time ago when they were kids that nothing ever would be more important to them. I lied because as much as i loved and still love them, I was more important. My sobriety was more important. My ability to forgive myself was more important. so, I gave it all to god. One day, they will forgive me. I pray for them often. I pray they know me.
To sum it all up...I had to forgive myself in order to live again. I forgave my abusers, so I could live again. God forgave me, so I could live again.