Boundaries are the blueprint to what you need to help you liberate the parts of you that are hurt, carry the pain of the past, and to help you reclaim your power and sense of Self. Needless to say, boundaries are essential to your personal development and overall well-being.
For the longest time, I didn't have boundaries, I was your typical burned-out girlie who gave everything she had to seek validation in the work she was doing, the love she was giving, and the energy she gave willingly because she knew she brightened every room she stepped into. I allowed others to dictate my life without me even realizing it. The love I sought outside of myself wasn't the true love that I wanted. I wanted my love, not the world. More often than not I would find myself at the end of the day exhausted, snappy, and not present with my life. I didn't have the energy because I gave it all away to the rest of the world and not to my own life. This is where I learned that I didn't have healthy boundaries in place and it was slowly killing me, and my soul. Eventually, I got to a point where I didn't want to live like this anymore and wanted to make a change.
Here's what I know now about change that I want to share with you, which will help you create healthy changes in your life. The first thing is change is the only constant. The second thing it's inevitable. Nothing is permanent in this life, everything is impermanent. I've also discovered there are six stages of change. I honestly can't remember where I heard this information from, so forgive me for my lack of resources here, however, I still want to share it because it's valuable information.
Stages of Change
Pre-contemplation: Not willing to make a change. Behavior is defensive, and minimizing, blindspots are often found here and you don't see there is a problem.
Contemplation: Becoming aware there's another way. This stage shows you what no longer serves you. You decide you want to make a change but haven't quite taken the action that's required. This is a stage of Self-reflection-- feeling emotions and exploring possibilities.
Preparation: This stage is about becoming aligned with the change you want. You begin to seek information for the action stage (step 4).
Action: This stage is where you become aligned. You give yourself daily encouragement, remind yourself why you're doing this, and make the change.
Maintenance: Doing the action steps continually. This stage requires you to not let the choice of Self-doubt get you! This is where momentum is happening, don't stop now.
Relapse: This can show up sometimes, but not always! What gets you to a certain place in your life might not get you to the next stage of your life.
Boundaries begin when you've reached the contemplation stage. You realize that you don't have to say yes to everyone and everything that your life is asking of you. If that made you feel some type of guilt, then that's exactly why you need to have boundaries. You should never feel guilty for putting yourself first. If you feel this way, I want you to get curious about why you feel this way. You don't need to judge yourself for feeling this way, just become curious about it. Becoming aware is part of the contemplation stage and what I like to call your first step to growth. You can't know where you need to grow if you're unaware of where you're not growing. Guilt will keep you in the shame loop over and over and over again. Trust me. The guilt you feel isn't really yours, it's the people who have shamed themselves into guilt that are projecting onto you. Give yourself permission to heal this wound within you, so that you may inspire others to heal it within them. That is the boundary-- not allowing the guilt to consume you anymore. Instead, you decide to face it head-on, and heal it, which in turn reclaims your power and sense of Self.
Boundaries aren't for other people, they're for you. They give you more space to be yourself, say yes or no to the things (people) that don't fuel your energy, and by proxy allow others to set healthy boundaries for themselves. It's never too late to make the changes you want for your life. Allow boundaries to be a beautiful thing you implement into your life, not something to be afraid of or not know how to do. Start small. Remember awareness is the first thing, the second is taking the courage to implement it into your daily life.