I wanted to explain how I discovered I’m ACE and why I chose comfort over relationships.
Ever since I was young I felt weird about physical touch. (In my high school years and early twenties) my body would scream in protest at something as simple as a kiss. This doesn’t apply to family only the men who are seeking physical intimacy.
From a young age I knew I was not capable of physical intimacy but still tried exploring relationships. This is mostly because I felt it was an expectation that was held over my head as a woman. Find a man, get married and have children.
Relationships fell apart and I got really distraught over it. I knew it was because of the one thing I couldn’t give. Physical contact and intimacy. I slowly detached myself from the need to date and find a partner. I started going out solo and at the time I was 25. I found out I was also attracted to women and came out as bi shortly after.
I thought this was the answer to my sexual identity but I was in for a rude awakening. While I will say my first time kissing a women was way more comfortable than my experiences kissing men. This didn’t change the fact that I could go no further with intimacy.
I stuck with the bi label for awhile. But I still knew in my heart that there was something missing. Something that didn’t make sense. I had heard of other friends come out as ACE and I didn’t know much about it and didn’t look into it.
Years passed. I became comfortable with going out alone and making friendships. I had been going out for a while to get a simple glass of wine and hang out with the many friends I had made. Things became difficult for me again when a man began making advances and I gave in. I thought (he’s nice enough). The defining moment is when he kissed me and I felt my stomach tighten. All my senses were screaming to get away from this experience.
I knew in my heart that I needed to look into my sexual identity more. That’s when I discovered Asexuality. Everything came into place and I felt peace because I had my answer. I simply am not attracted to people the same way others are.
This might be confusing. Do I still consider people attractive? To answer your question, absolutely yes. But I view attractiveness through a different lense. Like a beautiful sunset. It’s something I can most definitely admire but I have no physical attractiveness towards it.
Finding out I’m ACE led me to where I am now. I’m content with creature comforts, my friends and family. I may never have a romantic relationship and I’m okay with that. I’m putting my comfort first now. It’s my Manifesto.
Much Love
Breezyintheshire