I moved from the living room couch to the back room because a client emailed me regarding some issues on their website to handle. I have been locked out of their account, so I sent them details to update their login information and send it back to me, or submit a ticket to their host. I am not even sure I can help resolve this issue, but I am willing to try.
And then it dawned on me: I am always "willing to try to help resolve other people's issues," but when it comes to my own inner battles, I find myself sulking. I find myself pouting. Who is it that is here to save me from my issues?
Who will pick me up and uplift my spirit to a space of that joy that I once steadily was? Is it a story I tell myself that I ever was truly joyous? For I know that I haven't ever been fully joyous; even living in campers was not always joyous, as I found myself missing my eldest kiddo during that season of being on the road.
That said, I truly was my happiest on the road living feral-ish and felt I finally had freedom that I could taste, and my soul was settled. It felt happier than not, even in the midst of sleeping in a trucker's stop overnight in another state; I felt FREE, and I felt ALIVE.
My anxiety didn't exist as much as it does today as I sit here, sleeping in a house that is "safe", and stable because it is a house, after all. This house is on a foundation and has been in existence in a similar space of land since 1850.
What a long life this home has had. I can only imagine the struggles these walls of this house have witnessed with various family members who lived here. If only the walls could speak to me, I am certain they would know what energies are creating havoc within my soul.
Perhaps it is not the energies stored within the home; it is the reality that my soul screams for more than what I have now. It does not scream for more material items; it does not scream for more people; it screams to me to go sit in the forest, let the leaves fall upon my head, and the rain reset my being, so that I, Brandy Ellen, can once again taste the sense of freedom to be feral, to be one with nature, to be one with the animals, and to not feel as though I have to show up as a certain person to be around other people.
You see, when we fall in love or connect with another person, oftentimes they also have a bit of history that comes with them. They have their own lifestyle choices, belief systems, and they might even have their own kids. When I followed God's nudge to stay up here, living alone with my dog IN MY CAR, some thought I was crazy, while others just smirked and nodded because, at the end of the day, anyone who truly knows me knows that they cannot convince me otherwise once my heart/soul is set on something.
People have also realized that they cannot make sense of my "nonsense," and quite often my "nonsense" ends up being some of the best experiences of my life!
They know where I have shone the most, and what I need to shine the most, so while I sit here, wondering why I am struggling to stay emotionally stable, I know in my whole being it is because as much as I speak what I struggle with, I have not taken action. I have not taken action.
And so, the longer I sense these struggles, and the needs I ignore, the more the roots, much like the roots of the tree, are to strengthen; mine are starting to strangle.... what is it about me that needs more freedom to be with nature... who cares.
I simply must remember that I need more natural world time, and that is where I begin to let God repair the pieces of my roots that feel as though they are strangling me to awaken to the reality of what I truly need to do... and be!
What I need is not something human-made; it is the natural world of water, fire, and wind that I need to refresh my spirit ... Part of something that kept me stable was my morning shower meditations. I miss those, and even living in this home, I cannot have those.
I must walk the path I have to walk, with roots that guide me to expand, not strangle in place.
