I have been thinking a lot lately about what our actual job is as parents.
Because I think sometimes we get so caught up in loving our children, protecting them, worrying about them, and wanting the best for them that we forget something really important... our job is not to keep them dependent on us. Our job is to raise them to eventually be able to live their own lives.
When they are little, they need us to be parents. They need boundaries. They need rules. They need someone willing to say no, even when saying no is hard. They need someone to teach them that actions have consequences and that the world isn't always going to give them what they want.
And honestly, I think this is where a lot of us struggle because saying no can feel like we're being mean. We don't want our kids to be upset with us. We don't want them to think we don't love them. We don't want to be the "bad guy."
But being a good parent doesn't mean being the parent your child is always happy with.
Sometimes being a good parent means being the parent who says, "I know you're mad at me, but this boundary is still necessary."
As they get older, our role starts to change. We shouldn't be trying to control every decision our teenager makes. We should be teaching them how to make decisions. We should be asking questions, helping them think things through, letting them experience some natural consequences and allowing them to learn that making a mistake doesn't mean the world is ending.
At some point, you have to move from being the person who makes every decision to being the person who coaches them through making their own decisions.
And then they become adults.
This is where I think things can get really complicated, especially when there has been a divorce, separation, or other family changes. Sometimes a parent can become afraid of losing their child. Maybe they feel like they have already lost so much, and they start holding on tighter. They want their child close. They want to be needed. They want to know where they are, what they're doing, who they're with, what decisions they're making.
And sometimes, without even realizing it, that love can turn into control.
We can start treating our adult children like they are still little kids who need our permission to live their lives.
We can rescue them from every mistake. We can give advice they didn't ask for. We can become offended when they make a decision we wouldn't make. We can feel rejected when they choose something different from what we wanted for them.
And this is the part that can be really hard to hear...
Your child is not your possession.
They never were.
They are a person you were given the incredible responsibility of raising.
And eventually, they are going to have their own opinions, their own relationships, their own mistakes, their own successes, their own beliefs and their own life.
That doesn't mean they don't love you.
It doesn't mean you failed.
It doesn't mean they don't need you.
It means they are growing up.
And I think there is a huge difference between being a parent your adult child can always come to and being a parent who needs to remain in control of their life.
I want my kids to know they can call me. I want them to know they have somewhere to go when life gets hard. I want them to know that I will listen and that I will love them even when I don't agree with them.
But I also want them to know that their life belongs to them.
That is hard sometimes.
Because let's be honest... sometimes we miss the little person they used to be. Sometimes we miss being the person they needed for everything. Sometimes letting go feels a little bit like losing them.
But maybe parenting isn't really about holding on.
Maybe it's about learning how to loosen our grip without letting go of the relationship.
Being firm doesn't mean being cold.
Having boundaries doesn't mean you don't love your child.
Letting them experience consequences doesn't mean you're abandoning them.
And allowing an adult child to make their own choices doesn't mean you aren't their parent anymore.
It means you trust that you've taught them something.
It means you trust that they are capable of learning.
And it means you're willing to love them as the person they are becoming instead of constantly trying to keep them as the child they once were.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is realizing that our job isn't to make sure our children never struggle.
Our job is to give them the tools to handle struggle.
Our job isn't to make every decision for them.
It's to teach them how to make good decisions.
Our job isn't to make them need us forever.
It's to raise someone who can stand on their own two feet and still know that Mom or Dad is there when they need a safe place to land.
That's the kind of parent I want to be.
Not perfect.
Not always right.
But willing to love my kids enough to set the boundaries they need when they're young... and love them enough to eventually let them make their own choices when they're grown.
Because sometimes loving your child means holding their hand.
And sometimes loving your child means letting go of their hand and trusting them to walk.
Both are love.