Last night I was reminded of the times when the younger siblings of my firstborn were quite the handful.
I watched as I engaged with two young boys, under the age of 10, with play dough and silly running in circle games to get the wiggles out. I noticed the body language and facial expressions of the older of the two boys. I realized that he seemed to feel some sort of sullen way as if he wanted more attention but was annoyed that his younger brother was being a handful, as the firstborn, he probably has been told to be more patient, kind, or whatnot.
I am sure that he has been given the impression that his younger brother is wilder, and younger so he doesn’t know the things that the older sibling knows, or whatnot (I don’t want to assume what this child has been taught/told, but I gathered it could be something like this that he at least perceived at some point) and in that moment I remembered…
I remembered the hard times that I had as a Mom, but more so – the hard times that my firstborn had as an older sibling to a younger brother who (at the time had no DX that made sense) and was off the walls with anger, or wildness.
Not only was it heartbreaking to watch my son have these wild tantrums (not knowing he would later be DX’d High Functioning Autism), but it was heartbreaking to see my daughter be frightened of her sibling & I had no idea how to handle it or what to do, we had little guidance until later on with our favorite family counselor who guided us parents mostly for a couple of years (and then later OT who helped).
But my point is, I was reminded of just how hard it must be for an older sibling with a younger sibling that requires so much attention. Even without a diagnosis of autism or ADHD or whatnot … younger siblings are wild (mine was) and sometimes firstborns get put onto this higher expectation channel (I Did it to my firstborn, and I know my parents did it to me) … we don’t mean it harmfully. Still, I now know based on chats with my firstborn and knowing how I felt looking back … it does hurt.
I am not sure how to find a solution to this, for I’ve watched other parents do similar – we naturally place the firstborn to a higher standard. My hubby places his firstborn to a higher standard than our younger son, too! He doesn’t mean to, but we often chat about how it just seems to be a natural way with us humans – we hold our first child to a different standard.
I guess the key to this is to be open to having a chat – the chat that maybe you made choices you thought made sense at the moment for there weren’t any “right” answers, and in turn, you accidentally hurt the feelings of your child. It happens to the best of us … but if you can be OPEN to HEARING how your child felt/feels about those past experiences, perhaps that will be the KEY to helping THEM heal and MOVE FORWARD.
Maybe they can find a magical solution to not be that way when they become parents. Who knows.
Love to you all out there. Parenting is not for the weak at heart.
xoxo