I shared this post today on Facebook and it got me thinking about my parenting 101 ideas, like encouraging not forcing your child to do new things. I feel it's important that parents ask more questions of their kids before just forcing them into something like a traditional event or some experiences that they truly don't feel compelled to do.
With that said the reason I say ask questions is because sometimes kids are just anxious to try something new. I was that anxious kid about some things. Heck, I can still be that anxious adult about some things.
If you lean more toward the anxious side, then it's bound to happen - anxiety over things that you shouldn't have anxiety over.
Anxiety is, after all, an irrational fear 😉
I can say that eating foods that are closer to natural foods than heavily processed foods and consuming barely any alcohol for a long time has helped the anxiety be mostly non-existent, but it took years to get there by the way - so perhaps make a life choice for you.
These two books; Habits = Life book (mine) & The Best Yes (client gifted me this one year).
Anyways, this post isn't about your anxiety or your kids anxiety, it's more about my parenting 101 tips based on what I think worked best now that my kids are like 22, 18, and 16 years old.
I asked more questions.
Yes! I became a toddler and my kids will often call me a 'Disney character' or "a toddler" on any given day. I don't mind. It's a compliment to me. As long as their NEEDS are met, then I feel I win this mom game and have the right to be me; Disney character or toddler behavior or not. 🤣
If a child didn't want to do something, I would ask questions to get a feel for where they're at mentally. Maybe they were in an anxious spot and needed encouragement, or maybe they simply did not feel compelled to do whatever activity I was attempting to introduce them to.
You have to feel the situation out, because no two kids are the same and there is no straight forward cookie cutter approach to parenting. It's all different. Every family, every child, and every parent bring different souls to the picture which requires you to be more open about how to approach the situation.
I remember one particular example, that shouldn't be awful to share:
One of my kids who leaned anxious like me, didn't want to go swimming at this beach one day. The other kids did, and were excited, but this one kid was anxious and didn't want to budge. I get their feeling; the beach was crowded and I don't much like crowds, but I felt this beach that I enjoyed as a teenager was something that they should experience.
Instead of just forcing them by telling them their anxious feelings were stupid or whatever awful things parents have said to me or I've heard parents say to other kids before; I asked questions and then encouraged. I said I would be right there with them, they could hide behind me, stick with me, and their siblings.
We would try this together, and if it was too much or sucked, then we would get back in the car and leave. Or something like that.
I don't recall how that whole scenario ended up but I can say that approaching the anxious children like this; with more questions and guidance can be the difference between them internalizing their emotions of all kinds in the future or feeling more comfortable expressing them (verbally or in writing).
I think the best way to parent your kids is to ask more questions without leading the kid. Example of leading a child? That would have been the above scenario me asking, "are you too anxious to go" That is giving the child a "reason" - aka anxiety. That's something no counselor or therapist or parents should do for then you're doing what's called leading a child.
When we "lead" a child, it gives them an idea that they go with. Sadly, I've seen therapists and people from child protective services do this crap and it BUGS THE CRAP OUT OF ME. It only starts things that aren't truth and then the child has this whole new reframed vision that isn't full of their truth.
We do lead on accident sometimes, of course we do! I'm sure I do it and have done it, but I highly suggest you work to practice the question asking without lending any "ideas" to the kiddo so that you can learn more about your child and how they're wired. Learn to encourage them and not force them so that eventually they become more open to trying new things because they had a parent (or parents) that guided and encouraged rather than forced and disciplined them for not enjoying said activity.
Thanks for reading my rambles to day. I'd love to hear your thoughts on encouraging versus forcing children ... have you any experience with something like this? Either in your parenting days or childhood days? We can all learn from each other. Share a comment below.
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