It's just after 8AM in southern Louisiana as I write this, and I am sitting in a hotel room with two fans on me, trying to stave off the 80+ degree heat that the air conditioner is struggling to overcome. I'm worried. My last few weeks have been filled with recurring panic attacks and nightmares, as my over two year long hunt for a place to live has not bared any fruit. I've managed to avoid homelessness this long thanks to the very generous help from friends, but they are no longer going to be able to help as much anymore. Words cannot express my appreciation and gratitude to them for their help up to this point.
I am now no more than 2-3 weeks away from no longer being to able to afford to stay in hotels. At which point I will be officially homeless. I know that with my physical and mental disabilities, I would not be able to survive. This terrifies me beyond description, and I'm plagued by occasional thoughts and nightmares of dying in the street from this heat. I worry about what will happen to my cat, who will take care of her if something happens to me. I worry about my mother, who lives with me. She's in even worse shape than I am, and would be even less likely to survive this heat than I am.
Two years I've been at this hunt for a place to stay, and have encountered setback after setback. I'll see a light on the horizon, believe I have a promising place to stay and an end to this in sight, and it will somehow fall through at the last minute. Two years of hotels, eating the same foods out of a can and/or a microwave, of the same routine day in and day out. Sleep, eat, watch YouTube or play video games. Sickness on my mother's part, as well as mine, has further impeded our hunt for a home, and I cannot help but feel at times that the universe or some other forces are actively and maliciously impeding my search. My health keeps getting worse, and the constant stress is contributing to my physical decline.
I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. At this point, I'm numb to life. All I see ahead of me are dark clouds and hardships, more pain, more struggles, more roadblocks. I see no way out. I'm just surviving at this point, and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to do that.
I don't know where to go from here.