The revolving doors of psychological warfare such as- state sanction trauma, removal or rights, coupled with breaking generational familial curses has really taken a toll on my psyche, body, and spirit. Not sure if you can relate but I wanted to share what I hide the most- because I don’t want people to think I’m some kind of superhero-I’m human.
Most of the days I crash, just like everyone else. I often find myself coping through finding ways to distract myself, but if things get too intense I have a tendency of sleeping things off. However, we can’t sleep off the injustices that you studied, endure, and continue to happen. Caring for myself has been at the bottom of my list since the attacks intensified. Sometimes I don’t sleep, and sometimes I sleep too much. Many times I forget to eat and drink water and most definitely working out has taken a backseat. There was a time where I would consistently meditate but now I feel that if I somehow take care of myself, I’m letting my community down.
The role, I’ve taken on in this time of my life is the most challenging yet most rewarding. It’s beautiful to know that through my work people have become curious about their bloodline, mental health, and how to better support women as truth keepers and revolutionary leaders. Some have been been inspired to even start their own content or truth seeking.
The invisible aspect of my work is the pain I’m constantly in. Waves the depression hit me like a thick morning fog of winter days in Los Angeles. To the point where you can’t even see what’s in front of you therefore you don’t know where you’re going. It’s very tough, when people compliment me from my success. Because somewhere deep inside of me, I know I can do better. Yet I question what does that even mean? How can I be doing better? When we are experiencing genocide throughout the entire world. How can I be doing better? When our neighbors friends and family member members are being targeted? How can I be doing better? When people are losing their jobs, Healthcare, and family members due to state sanction violence. How can I do better? When I know infiltrator are protesting amongst us. How can I do better? When I know how they fear identification, which is why they divide us anyway they can. How can I do better? When I know that this work also requires a deep and ancestral connection so we don’t become the monsters they are.
I’m not sure how to be gentle with myself because I feel so much pressure to show up for everyone else. The other day I almost quit. I felt hopeless, which lets me know that I have to figure out how to take a break and come back stronger. The greatest challenge will be to heal my nervous system because working and surviving is not only what I’ve done by entire life, but my parents, grandparents, and those became before them I’ve had to endure under racist capitalism.
Not to mention, my mental health conditions don’t make us any easier but I am considering a dopamine detox for a few days. Deep rest is necessary and I just the physical rest, I mean the mental, emotional rest is vital for this work. My mind is constantly racing-so there psychological warefare is working. To sustain myself through this time I must disarm the enemy- which means we have to stop using their tools to remind us of what these platforms really are. Population manipulation and mind control. There are only two industries that call their customers users, one of them is drugs, and the other one is software. We become addicted to our phones. In order to continue this work, I must break free from that.
I just simply want to thank you all for standing by me, for your donations, messages, and for your belief in me because it keeps me going- and let’s me know I am not alone. Trust me when I say you are not alone and navigating the complex emotions of living during this time. Let’s be kind to ourselves Love you all and thank you.