Whassup bros.
Life's been a bit weird lately. Mental health all over the place because since walking the South Downs Way I realised that's exactly what I want to do more of, on the trail is where I feel happiest. It's hard to slip back into the 9-5 grind. And yeah, I know it's a bit dramatic considering I was only away for 8 days, it's not like I spent 6 months on the PCT, but those 8 days meant so much to me.
The first line in my Instagram bio is "finding my feet", I put that there before I ever posted anything because it felt like it fit well with "bellesboots" and I loved the double meaning of it. It's a short phrase that I just keep coming back to. I don't really know what my goal is with this journey and that Instagram account and all this hiking stuff, but that's the whole point, I'm figuring it out, I'm finding my feet.
I'm finding my feet in the sense that I'm navigating trails and learning how to thru-hike and working out what gear works for me, all of that. But I'm also finding my feet in the sense that I'm figuring out what I want to do with my life, who I am, how I feel, what all of this means to me, how I fit into this world, and who's coming along for the walk.
The first person to support and encourage me on the first overnight hike through Suffolk was a friend and ex-partner, I cried over how much their support meant to me. The first person to encourage me to share my experiences was Ffyona Campbell, a total stranger, a world record breaker, a total legend, a powerhouse of a woman. Those two people have been instrumental in this all coming together.
I think sharing my experiences is something that I always knew that I wanted to do, but I hadn't realised it or worked it out, until Ffyona put it to me so plainly. I always felt that I needed a partner to share experiences with - this takes me back to the message of Into the Wild, happiness is only real when shared - but in the absence of a partner that I could share these things with, what was I to do? I realised that I don't need that at all. I can share my experiences with the world instead.
My first taste of this was memeing on my close friends story, I wasn't taking myself seriously in the slightest but my friends all went along with the bit, something I fucking love them all dearly for. They made me feel supported and loved, and I felt like even though I was memeing people seemed to actually care about what I had to say, even if I was just messing around.
I thought more and more about my encounter with Ffyona, and I know I talk about her all the time, but meeting her really was instrumental in all of this. Bellesboots was born. My tiny little instagram account which started with a very very very small following of existing friends - and you know what, it wasn't even all of my closest friends. Some of my closest friends still don't follow that account, and that's genuinely fine. Some people followed that account who I didn't expect to be interested. But I'm grateful for every single one of them because to feel supported in your journey is so important and special.
Over time, I started getting messages from those friends telling me that they love what I'm doing and what I'm posting about, telling me that they are feeling inspired to go outside, or that they are living vicariously through me (to those people I'd say, don't live through me, go and live it yourself babes!). People were starting to ask me for advice on what trousers to buy, what shoes to get, what camping set up they should have. I love that for so many reasons, firstly that it means I get to info dump about things that I love, secondly that I get to share that love with someone else, and thirdly that people are getting out there and doing shit that they either: didn't realise they wanted to do, didn't think they could, didn't have the motivation for.
I am so happy and grateful for all the support that I am getting from friends and family and when I say that I really, really, really, really mean it. I feel so overwhelmed by it. I always knew that I had these incredible friendships with these incredible people, but I've never attempted anything before that I actually really truly needed support in. I've never really put myself out into the world and shouted "THIS IS ME. THIS IS WHAT I'M DOING" and invited people along to watch and judge. I've always hidden in the shadows and tried not to be seen. Now I'm out here for everyone to see me, and it's terrifying and beautiful.
A couple of weeks ago I got my first message of support from a total stranger online. And yesterday I got my first "you've inspired me" message from a total stranger online. It feels so good to know that I am starting to have a positive impact on the lives of others. I never expected any of that to happen, but I'm so glad that it did.
I am a light in this world. And so are you. We all are.