It never ceases to amaze that it is when I reach a point of complete and utter exhaustion and despair and I let go of wanting things to be different to how they are, that the shift I’ve been longing for can happen.
I have finally surrendered to what is.
Yet how difficult it is to get to this point! We try everything else: trying to control or change what’s happening; wishing things were different; feeling self-pity; resisting, resisting, resisting.
Then.
When we reach that point of no return and we just know we have to let go and fall down into what IS happening, THEN we activate the powerful, potent medicine of surrender.
Then we can fall gently, floating through the turmoil we’re experiencing and releasing ourselves to the arms of that unknowable, unfathomable divine presence, call it whatever works best for you, Jungians would say we surrender the ego’s need for control to the Self. Something takes over the process. Something wildly beyond and far more powerful than anything our tiny little ego consciousness could ever contain.
And as we drop down, the healing can really now begin.
Recently I experienced a cascade of horrible physical issues following a fairly minor medical procedure just before Christmas. One part of my body after another has been going through a huge process of breaking down, healing and releasing, making me feel very unwell and very low for the past two months. Then last night with the latest illness I reached the end of my tether and in despair again, I finally let go and I said: “Okay, take me. I let go, I surrender.” And I let myself fall. I then literally fell asleep properly for the first time in nearly two weeks and this morning I could feel a shift in energy and state of mind. I’ve started to bounce-back. The surrender released something and flow could return once more.
In beautiful synchronicity, I’ve just started reading Monika Wikman’s book ‘Pregnant Darkness: Alchemy and the Rebirth of Consciousness’. She begins by telling her own story of going through cancer treatment and that it was only when she received the final “two weeks to live” prognosis that she fully let go and surrendered as she faced her imminent death. Extraordinarily her cancer immediately abated and all her tests came back clear. Her book was birthed from this dark night of the mind, body and soul and I look forward to reading the rest.
It seems we have to go very low before we can finally let go and allow this ‘other’ to hold us and do what is needed next.
I’ve found that this kind of true surrender happens around illness, death and other crisis moments in life. I experienced just this kind of surrender in a powerful and in the end incredibly beautiful dream of falling and surrendering to death on the eve of my beloved horse’s death a few years back. The dream enabled me to face the next morning and the vet’s arrival and it helped me to accept it was the right time to release my beautiful boy and move forward on my own. And perhaps as importantly, that things would be ok after. The dream’s vivid re-enactment of full surrender gave me the grace and courage to do what had to be done, even though it broke my heart into a million pieces to say goodbye.
I’d love to hear your experiences of this kind in the comments, so please feel free to share.
With blessings.
©Angela Dunning
Image by Anna Veres Art, licensed via Shutterstock.