It is truly impressive how many failures and how unexpected blessings I've faced in just one year. Last few weeks very suddenly became rough which in itself is an understatement. Suddenly from days of high productivity where I was waking up at 4am some mornings of the week and slept 1-2 hours longer on the other days to a feeling that I was going to collapse and not knowing how will I get home because commuting in Mexico City can be draining. Was it a burnout? I don't think so. Was it lack of stability in certain areas of my life that were ever-changing and I was getting exhausted of particular lack of stability? Very much so but not only that. I won't get into it all at the moment. Or was it the stability that I do have and the safety it created for me to truly feel the feels? Quite possibly so. Sometimes answers come a lot later, far in the future from now and from what is. I'm certain that things eventually will fall into place and make sense. For now I feel really stubborn and having a hard time to surrender. It's like that kid in a video who tries to get an ice cream cone but the seller is a skilled magician of sorts who keeps taking the ice cream back leaving child with an empty cone feeling sad and/or frustrated that the ice cream is so close and yet so far. Certain stability and predictability is that ice cream to me. And I am running out of patience to an extreme level of wanting to give up entirely. This year has been with so generous blessings and also very deep dark moments too. Without the help I've received I genuinely don't know where would I be today..
There are moments I feel like I'm in as deep trouble as when I was living alone with blood cancer and clinical depression. This time whatever source this darkness has I am much more prepared and at a higher frequency, as I was told yesterday, but oh, how broken I sometimes feel. It feels like I'm in a carousel ride that I didn't sign up for (what's up with these childhood and child-like comparisons today?) and I'm partly secured in my seat with a seat belt that could suddenly rip and the protection bars could suddenly burst wide open. There are no guarantees whatsoever (insert a juicy swearing word in whatever language feels most suitable, feel free to share with me as well). It's what we signed up for before embracing this journey on Earth. In moments like this I remember an interview I watched with Michael Beckwith. He isn't a person I have particularly followed or anything like that but 2 or 3 years ago I was looking for answers on YouTube and found his interview with Oprah where he suggests to ask this question 'If this experience were to last forever what quality would have to emerge for me to have peace of mind'. In this interview he was specifically talking about the Dark Night of The Soul. It doesn't have to be exactly the same definition of hard we are going through. I find this phrase still very helpful. In whatever discomfort we are in, how will you accommodate yourself to make miserable experience more tolerable. And I know friends I have a lot to be grateful for. There is no denying that despite life's trials I have been incredibly fortunate and privileged to be where I am today and who I am today. I am not dismissing that. And I am not invalidating these unpleasant feelings either. There is still so much to learn..
So what is the plan of action for me right now? Breathe through, cry, simply be, simplify and to have fun with meds that help me sleep 10+ hours a night if I go to bed early enough. I'm feeling a strong desire to sing and a resistance towards it too. This desire has been confirmed by multiple healers I've worked with since long or not that long ago. The message is clear. I sometimes find myself thinking that Mexico is a pretty epic place to have severe depression. Here I have regular sun exposure, kind people I know and even kind strangers everywhere I go. My roommate's boyfriend has held space for me so beautifully and one time his comment imprinted so strongly in my consciousness. He gently told me to not disappear or self isolate. I may not remember the words intellectually but I received the message and took this advice to heart..
So friends, I have not been okay but I'm at crossroads of choosing to be or giving up..
Much love,
Anete
P.S. Adding a few pictures to this post. The ones with black frame are ones that I have taken, the quote is taken from the internet. If you know the author, please, do let me know so I can give them credit. Thank you.
