When my child and I both struggle to regulate
by Jessica Martin-Weber
"Mommy, we are going to the park NOW."
Our 6yo was fully dressed, her coat on, shoes on, a snack packed, and her water bottle in her backpack on her back. She was ready to go.
But we couldn't go to the park right then. I was working, I was nursing her newborn baby brother, and I had a meeting to get ready for. There was nobody else that could take her then either.
"No, we're not going to the park."
"YES WE ARE! WE HAVE TO GO TO THE PARK RIGHT NOW!"
The "now" was a scream.
Her emotional regulation had flown out the door.
I had made a mistake, one that as a parent educator I've been teaching others to avoid for over a decade and as a former teacher, one I absolutely know will backfire.
I had argued back, laying down the law.
I skipped acknowledgement and empathy. I didn't provide support for how hard it is to not get to do what you want, when you want. I didn't assure her that the park would happen another time. I didn't hold space for her to work through her feelings and then troubleshoot to do something else.
As a result, her stress reaction was triggered.
Cue the scream.
Honestly, I just didn't want to help her in that moment in that way. I was massively behind in work and stressed about finances. Being self-employed and then taking time off for maternity leave and then health issues for the baby which insurance was refusing to cover left us struggling to make ends meet. I was stressed out, tapped out, burned out and having a hard time with my own emotional regulation.
But I was the grown up here and I wasn't the only one stressed.
Things had been, and continue to be, really hard for this little girl. Our school district teachers are on strike and we are in our 3rd week of no school. Her routine is off and there's a newborn baby brother in the mix. The weather has changed and the fun water play filled days of summer are gone, making outside play just a little less fun. And she has 3 loose teeth making eating some of her favorite foods difficult.
This genuinely was really hard for her 6 year old self in that moment.
We weren't going to the park at that time. That wasn't going to change.
What could change was my response. I could have my feelings, I just needed to help her with hers.
For this to be possible, this is how I regulated myself: I took a sip of my coffee, recognizing the warmth of the mug in my hand and allowed myself to feel my feelings of frustration and acknowledge that this was hard for me. Then I could see her emotions and her stress and have empathy for how this was hard for her. Breathing in I noted the aroma of the coffee and the piercing sound of my daughter's scream and how it rattled me and I reminded myself that I am capable of helping her. And I took another deep breath.
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"I'm so sorry. This is hard. You really want to go to the park."
"We have to go to the park right now!" she started to cry.
"The sun is shining and it looks so nice outside right now. It would be such a nice time to go to the park."
"YEAH!" More tears.
"Yeah. Would you like a hug?"
"I want to go to the park!"
"I hear you, you want to go to the park. Would you like a hug?"
"I want to go to the park right now!"
"Yes, you want to go to the park right now. I'm so sorry we can't go to the park right now."
She moves in for a hug.
"It is so hard when we can't do what we want when we want. It is so frustrating when that happens. I understand that this is hard."
She was calming and pulled away.
"I really want to go to the park."
"You really want to go to the park. I'm sorry that we can't go to the park right now. Would you like to figure out what else you can do right now and when we can maybe go to the park?"
"Can you go to the park for a picnic lunch?"
"I think we can go to the park for a picnic snack this afternoon, would that be ok?"
Tearing up more
"Ok. I want to go to the park now."
"It is so hard that we can't go to the park now. We can go this afternoon. Would you like to do a picnic out back right now?"
"With a blanket?"
"Yes, you can use a picnic blanket."
"Can I have apples and clementines and goldfish?"
"Yes, you can have apples and clementines and goldfish."
Getting excited now.
"Can I have pink yogurt?"
"I think we're out of yogurt."
"Hmmmm... can I have sandwiches?"
She planned her menu, packed up the food, and asked her dad to help her get the picnic blanket. A few minutes later I heard her excitedly announce to her 3yo little sister that they were going out back for a picnic.
Pic of the extraordinary 6yo and 3yo little girls who advocate for themselves, share their feelings, and trust us to help them work through those hard moments.
Want more examples like this and tried and true strategies to get to emotional regulation yourself when you're stressed, tapped out, and burned out? Would you like to change your parenting? Want to interact differently with your children and no longer feel the need for punitive punishment, yelling, or fighting?
We're Jessica and Jeremy Martin-Weber, parenting educators and coaches, former teachers, and parents of 9. We're here to help. With masterclasses (our emotional regulation for the burned out/touched out parent would be a good one to start with) and personalized private coaching, we support families in reaching their goals in their most important relationships. With a deep understanding of neurodiversity, high demand religious backgrounds, child development, and being trauma informed, we work with our clients with practical action steps that align with their values, goals, and purpose.
For a no-cost, no-obligation conversation with us to get you started on moving closer to the relationship you want with your children, go here.