by Jessica and Jeremy Martin-Weber
Ah, Jonah Hill. He kept using the word “boundaries” with his now ex-girlfriend but I don’t think that word means what he thinks it means. (See the story here and here.)
Some are defending him too (like here). Saying they agree with him, that he was just holding up standards with his “boundaries” for his girlfriend. As if it was loving or even romantic, like he was looking out for her.
Too many people have no idea what the term “boundaries” really means.
Maybe it is the word that is the issue. Maybe it is the concept. Maybe it is a weaponizing of both the term and concept. Maybe it is people really not understanding the difference between controlling someone, ultimatums, standards, and respecting limits. Maybe it is a mix.
Ever had someone tell you they were just respecting their boundaries as an excuse to control you?
We’ve been studying boundaries for over 20 years and teaching others about them for about half that time. The confusion many have is real. (Deepen your own understanding of Practical Boundaries here.)
Respecting your own boundaries NEVER means controlling someone else.
A few years ago the man our professional dancer daughter had met at a social swing-dancing event and been dating for about a year told her he wanted to put some boundaries in place for their relationship. Being accustomed to boundaries and knowing how important they are, she said sure, let’s talk about that and make some agreements.
Note: she was thinking that setting boundaries for their relationship would involve a conversation and agreements about limits that worked for both of them. Agreements are rules defined together through collaboration and conversation. Not imposition of one’s will upon the other through dictates.
He proceeded to tell her he didn't like the idea of her dancing in a romantic or sexy way with another dancer (remember, she's a professional dancer) and that she would need to ask his permission before she accepted any roles or tell the choreographer that she couldn't do certain dances if they were romantic or sensual.
Aside from the fact that this isn't how boundaries work, this is controlling behavior. On top of that, it threatened her career and her current job at the time in a dance company, endangering her existing livelihood.
But he claimed it was a boundary for him. One he said that he needed her to respect for their relationship and if she loved him, she would do that. He couldn't see how anyone could dance in such a way and not have it evoke feelings toward the dance partner and he would be afraid that she would have feelings for her dance partners. So he said it was a boundary in their relationship. He claimed these were standards that were non-negotiable for him.
Except, it isn’t a boundary at all. It is controlling with a big ol’ dose of manipulation (such as saying it is a boundary she’d accept if she respected the relationship and loved him). It was also projecting that because he couldn’t dance with someone and not develop feelings for them that he believed she too couldn’t dance with someone and not develop feelings for them.
Spoiler: she broke up with him.
Thank goodness.
The behavior is controlling by imposing the will of someone onto someone else to change what that second person does to please the first person but the area does not directly impact or involve the first person.
Sharing a preference is simply stating what you like or don’t like and maybe what you’d like others to do with that information.
Standards are a personal measurement for what is an acceptable level of quality (be it morals, people, fruit, meats, car makes, cleanliness, etc.) that you set for yourself to live by and look for in others.
Boundaries are about what you will or will not do.
Communicating boundaries is telling others about what you will or will not do.
Controlling is about what someone else will or will not do and most often is attempting to change them to comply.
Ultimatums are about punishing someone for not doing what you want them to do.
Expectations are what we anticipate of others and ourselves or what we believe we deserve. Boundaries are about what I will or will not do, not about my expectations of myself or others or what others will or will not do. Boundaries depend on me holding them and not me expecting others to hold them for me.
In our Practical Boundaries class and workbook we have a whole section on identifying what is and isn’t a boundary. This section has reflection questions for individuals to determine if the boundary they are thinking of setting is in fact a boundary or something else. The practice portion includes different examples and users circle which one is the boundary and identify what the other examples are.
Kind of like this.
Identify the following in the examples below:
Boundary
Communicating a boundary
Standard
Expressed personal preference
Controlling
Ultimatum
(One is doubled)
“I’m uncomfortable when you wear a bikini to the beach or post a picture of yourself in a bikini on social media, I’d rather you not do that again.”
“If you wear a bikini in public or post a picture of yourself in a bikini on social media ever again, I will break up with you.”
“I don’t want to be partnered with someone that wears a bikini anywhere but with me in private so I will not date or pursue anyone that wears bikinis in public or post pictures of themselves in a bikini on social media.”
“I will not wear a bikini in public or post pictures of myself in a bikini on social media.”
“In my opinion, it is inappropriate to wear bikinis in public.
“Hey person in my life, I have decided I’m uncomfortable with bikinis in public so I will not be wearing a bikini in public anymore.”
“We’ve had a good time together. If you want to continue to be in relationship with me you will never wear a bikini in public again. This is what is required to be my girlfriend.”
Boundaries are what we will or will not do to respect our limits and protect ourselves and our relationships. This goes for romantic relationships, friendships, work, parent/child, child/parent, extended family, etc. Boundaries are necessary in every relationship though they may look different from one to the next. Not only is it possible to identify, communicate, and hold boundaries while being kind, it is necessary. Boundaries do not control others and are not about what others will or will not do. Boundaries protect our own resources, our personal mental, emotional, physical, relational, and energy limits.
After 24 years of boundary work, we created the Practical Boundaries Masterclass and Workbook.