Okay, now hear me out!!
Since coming home from my holiday last month I've been feeling a little out of sorts - with loads of doctors appointments, being chronically ill and feeling like I've got bees in my head, I haven't felt like I could stick to any one task.
I think some of that is to do with executive dysfunction and all that fun stuff, but I've been realising that awaiting diagnosis for my endometriosis (year 8 of waiting lol) has been weighing on me a lot more than I allowed myself to acknowledge.
So on Monday, I had every intention to go to the beach, planned my whole week almost too full, and had nothing but the highest expectations for myself. And what better way to throw a spanner in the works than waking up to a full blown flare up 🥲
Usually I try to troop on, but like a coke bottle that's been shaken one too many times, I was ready to burst. I realised how frustrated I actually am, living in a body that I cannot control, and for the first time in probably a good year or so, I allowed myself to greive. I was greiving the body I used to have, the limitations I didn't have, the loss of control I get regularly.
I did a lot of work mentally. I did a good ol' brain dump and named everything I was feeling and I gave myself permission to just be a little sad and spent the remainder of the day figuring out ways to ground myself and look after myself more.
Roll onto Friday and this has genuinely been the most productive week I've had in months. I managed to fit in my beach morning on the Tuesday, worked on products, did another photoshoot yesterday and am now sitting assembling my work to sell at the markets this weekend.
Of course, as a chronically ill person, I have been pacing myself as much as I can; balance isn't my forte but I'm beginning to find a way.
And it's all down to allowing those feelings to be felt, validated and released. I'm still going to be frustrated, I already know I'll feel a little mad at my body following a weekend of markets and being unable to do anything on the Monday, but I also know that I'm doing everything I can to find answers and help and still live this dream life you're all allowing me to live.
I want to be real and raw, and this week was nothing but that so I wanted to share it with you. It's definitely a new way to get to know me!
So with that, I want to remind everyone (and myself) that experiencing the negative feelings, the downfalls, the ruts, is all part of life and it's anything but productive if you avoid it. Feel it, learn from it, and know that there's a hell of a high to follow it.
Im off to relax a bit before my crazy busy weekend, but I can't wait to fill you in on how it goes when I'm home, resting and working from my couch in my oodie ;)
Love,
amy