It's January 10th and Love Yourself by The Boxer Rebellion plays in my headphones.
"You told yourself I'd write a letter today
Tell the world that you would hurt yourself
Can't look in the mirror, much less anyone else
You try to move on from here
But you look like a ghost alive
You can't think, always running in place
A lost soul that won't show his face"
It plays on repeat as I walk about in my snow-covered neighborhood. My camera is with me –– it's always with me. Depression is with me –– it's always with me.
"But I know you're just someone who's feeling all alone
You're just someone who doesn't seem to know which way to turn
If you just ask for help, if you just ask for help
First thing I'll say is you gotta love yourself"
...
I spent the last 6 days writing about the ins-and-outs of my year. I wrote about politics, the country I love, the pandemic, the struggles I've faced and the leaps I've made. I wrote about my disease. I wrote about the unborn child I should have been a father to 7 years ago. I wrote about my parents, my grandpa, my aunt Deej and my lovely Kailee. The impact they have on my life is astonishing. I wrote about photography, music, astronomy and the books I've read. Every sentence I typed was a relief.
Today I deleted it.
Tucked away in my mind... maybe to refer to, maybe not. Onward we go.
I hope you're safe, healthy, and have loved ones around you. I believe these photographs sum up my trip around the sun.
––Alex