I spent years thinking and believing I am my own god.
In kind of an an arrogant way, not going to lie — in the way a lot of spiritual circles teach you. You are the creator of your reality. You manifest everything. There is no higher power, only you. You are source.
And honestly? It worked for a while. I felt powerful. In control. "Awake".
But somewhere along the way, I also felt... very alone.
Shutting out everyone in my life, affirming non stop, and looking outside of myself. Trying to escape the present moment into "my dreams". Dreams taught by TV or ads, or "stuff" I watched online.
Because when you're the only god in your universe, there's no one to lean on. No one to go cry to. No one to ask why is this happening when things fall apart, why don't I have this or that — because the answer is always: you manifested it. And that can be a heavy thing to carry when you're already on your knees.
I was raised Christian Orthodox. And while I'm grateful for parts of that foundation, a lot of it didn't sit right with me — especially the messages around desire.
Don't want too much money. Don't want sensuality. Don't want freedom in your body.
It made me feel like my natural desires were wrong. Like being human — wanting to create, to feel pleasure, to exist fully — was something to be ashamed of. Like I had to earn my place here by being small.
The "sin" card was playing in my head like a broken record. And somewhere deep inside, I started to believe that maybe I wasn't allowed to be a child of God and want what I wanted.
So I left. In my youth, I mocked them. I ran toward anything that wasn't that.
And then I found manifestation, law of attraction, the "I am God" philosophy.
It felt like freedom at first. Like I could finally own my power.
But after a while, the exhaustion crept in. Because when nothing above (or beyond) you exists — no Source, no protective presence, no infinite intelligence that actually has your back — you're just... alone in the universe, trying to force things into being with your mind.
I kept asking myself: Is there a God? Is there something real out there? Or is it really just me?
I felt a loneliness I couldn't explain.
But I couldn't "trust" or "surrender" to something or someone I had no proof of even being or existing in my life.
One day, I got tired.
Tired of affirming. Tired of controlling. Tired of the silence.
So I set a timer for 30 minutes, with one thing in mind. I closed my eyes. And I just asked.
Hey...Are you there? Are you real? Can you hear me?
And then, more honestly: Why aren't you giving me what I've been asking for? Why does it feel like you've completely forgotten me?
I didn't expect much.
But something answered.
Not in a loud, visceral voice. Not in a big dramatic vision. Just... kind of a cosmic wink. A silent nod. A pure feeling of love. A presence I can't fully describe. Like being held by something infinite that had been waiting for me to ask.
We had a long "conversation" until the timer beeped . I cried. I laughed. I felt loved, like a child who finally came home to their actual ...Source. Their home.
That conversation changed everything. And I say "conversation" because I trust what comes up, I don't invent the answers, I listen. A feeling, a word, an image. It's relevant, it is what intuition is. And how it works, it's all meant for you.
Now I start my mornings saying, Hi, Source. Not in a religious way — just in a relational way. Like talking to someone who's always been there, even when I kept forgetting.
And the more I connect, the less I feel the need to force my manifestations. It's like... Source already knows. I don't have to grip so hard. I can just ask. And trust.
I cry to Source when something aches, or when I just want money, yet I feel like money is not spiritual... It happens. I stop acheing, I receive exactly what I wanted... in a beautiful way. I don't have to try, by forcing things.
I sometimes think... I might offend Source by asking for things all the time...That's not something that bothers Source, it bothers the little human that thought their desires are a sin.
Now — I want to be honest about something.
Not every thought is Source's voice. Not every whisper in your mind is divine guidance.
There's noise. There's ego. There might even be energies that test you, that see if you can discern what's real from what's not.
But here's what I've learned: trust your body. What feels expansive, warm, safe? What feels contracted, rushed, off? Your resonance is your compass.
And also — look at your life. You've made it this far. Through everything. You're still here, still breathing, still searching. Something has been protecting you, even when you didn't know it.
So don't be afraid. Be curious. Be skeptical, even — that's okay. Ask the hard questions. Say God, why did you forget me? if that's what's true for you. Source can handle your honesty. That's kind of the whole point.
Just... don't make big life decisions based on random thoughts or voices. Let them prove themselves over time. Let resonance be your filter.
The thing I want you to know is this:
You can talk to Source without going to church.
You can have a relationship with the divine without abandoning your desires, your creativity, your sensuality, your you-ness.
You can want cute shoes and spiritual depth. You can be a little chaotic and still be holy. You can question everything and still be held.
Close your eyes. Ask if Source is there.
Maybe wait a bit. Give yourself some time, like I did. A half an hour. Twenty minutes.
What's a half an hour in a life without true friendship? :)
And see what happens.
You might be surprised who's been waiting for you. 💛