As of December 14, 2023 three of our four family members have changed their names.
The first was our oldest child, at age eight. You know I could write a lot about that - and I have.
Phoenix's name change was a big lesson for me. Because I was their parent, and because in America children are looked at as the property of parents and teachers (instead of rights-holders on their own merit), my job was clear. I knew that if my partner and I supported Phoenix's decision publicly and firmly, that things would go pretty smoothly for our child.
I was right about that.
So I was practiced in that kind of thing. That kind of firm, polite - but dead-serious advocacy for someone's name.
But I was still scared - thirteen years later - to change my own.
Who would be my advocate?
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I held off changing my own name for two reasons.
The first: coming out as nonbinary has been a real - well, rude awakening. I've lost friends, social status, and career opportunities. Worse than maybe anything I still feel like a dumbass that I didn't know how bad it was going to be.
And I don't get days off on this malarky.
Big and little stuff. Just yesterday I just finished up an "inclusive" yoga school program and the entire tenure I was misgendered by fellow yoga students - and even an instructor. The Bullshit Parade never ends.
In fact living as one of the most hated and persecuted minorities in America can be such a drag that I'm tired of thinking about it and tired of WRITING about it and a lot of time I worry you peeps are tired of READING about it.
So.
I didn't want to want to change my name because I didn't want to get hurt so much - again.
And in so many chicken-dicking little ways.
But.
The second reason I held off changing my name, is a bit less dramatic - rather mundane, in fact.
I simply didn't dislike my birth name all that much. It was a nice nonbinary name. Gender-free. It was also a pretty cool name. It has a great meaning. It's unusual enough without inciting rude comments - which is nice.
So even though I knew I'd grown out of my birth name I still felt obligated to... something or someone. Who knows!
But like all the amazing dipshit empowered moves I've made in my life...
It just kept bubbling up, bubbling up inside me and I couldn't NOT do it -
So I made the move.
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My two grown children came with me to court, the day it all became official.
I'll hold that memory in my heart until the day I die, just having them there. If you can be PRESENT with someone for something big, damn. Take the afternoon off and DO it. It's such a gift!
And I realized something in that week I made my decision.
I realized: it's okay to be selfish sometimes.
Holy shit, it is OKAY TO DO SOMETHING THAT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
You don't need to qualify, apologize, over-explain -
And you don't need to pretend it isn't selfish.
Because it is.
And so what?
If you aren't hurting someone, there is nothing wrong with your selfishness.
You're probably afraid - in some way - to take up space.
And let me tell you from experience:
If you work too hard on not-taking-up-space, if you spend too much time living like that:
(Some) people will ABSOLUTELY start treating you like you don't deserve space.
And you really, really don't want to have that life.
If you can do anything to avoid that life, you should do it!
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So.
There is one person reading here, one person who longs to make a change.
I'm talking to YOU.
You are thinking it's kind of a "big" change. You don't know if anyone will support you. You dread telling a person or two.
Maybe the change involves a bit of paperwork (or a lot)!
Maybe it involves some expense - or some resources that are tight.
Maybe you worry - like I did - that you won't be respected if you make the change.
THAT'S the hardest thing, right?
So easy to stay small, to stay not-bothering people.
Because if you stand up for yourself and someone lets you down, or hurts you -
well you just might have to do something about it!
Yeah, I know.
I know it's scary!
I just invite you to ask yourself the following:
Does this change ping your heart? Do you hear a tuning fork?
Is it something you'd do - if you only could?
Well.
You CAN.
You can do it. You can be a (bit of a) pain in the ass.
It's okay.
People will adjust, and life will move forward.
It's like having that jacket, that brand new jacket.
It cost a little more than you'd budgeted, but damn.
It fits SO GOOD.
It looks SO GOOD.
It's yours.
It's yours and dammit, celebrate yourself!
Life is too short not to get the damn jacket.
I promise.
Well and truly!
You won't be sorry.
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This testimonial is dedicated to Alex B.