Content warning: discussion of transphobia, homophobia
A little while back on social media I watched as former classmates of mine blasted parents who support their trans children; that is, parents who allow their children to transition and who actively support and nurture them through the process. These children, my fellow alumni asserted, are "confused"… but the parents are even worse. Parents who affirm their trans children are neglectful, "disgusting", not doing their job.
Familiar as I am with bigoted rhetoric, it is always a bit of a shock to see these kinds of sentiments from people I care about, or people whose opinions I had previously esteemed.
One of our children came out as trans in December 2016, and I came out earlier this year. It's hard to explain this but in my own coming out journey (which I rarely bore anyone with, I promise) one of the most painful parts of it all was realizing how I hadn't done particularly well for my own children. Most parents of trans children, if they are honest with themselves, will perceive they made mistakes - sometimes serious ones. I say from the bottom of my heart that I know that pain, perhaps - as a trans nonbinary person myself - more than a cisgender parent could undertand.
However in parenting - especially when parenting a child in a vulnerable class - any difficulty we may experience cannot take center stage. It is our children – raised in a culture neglectful or hostile and oppressed by a society that is terrifyingly alienating and aggressive – who need triage in terms of support and care.
Trans activism and awareness has been a part of our culture for thousands of years; sadly, few people study this history or this body of work (which is, thankfully, always expanding and receiving more general notice). I am thankful for not only the ouevre, I am grateful for its large-scale availability today in the age of the internet. I believe my partner and I would have committed fewer harms, had we immersed ourselves in and benefitted from this cultural conversation. If you are reading this post, consider this a first (or early) step.
Trans children, teens, and adults endure so much discrimination, abuse, neglect, and persecution. They experience elevated rates of social exclusion and danger, and these myriad oppressions result in an elevated suicide rate. Given suicide statistics alone, I feel so much anger when I think about my former classmates’ disparagement of parents attempts to be gender-affirming.
As adults it is our responsibility to do better by these children, and as parents we are either their first bedrock strength or their greatest serial abuser.
I cannot express myself more firmly on this matter.
So I am grateful for this body of trans activist work, because I was raised in ignorance. My early life was pre-internet, and trans issues were presented - if at all - as a fringe subject. You might as well study the mating habits of the atlas moth! I was raised in a self-styled liberal home, and my teachers and extended family claimed to be tolerant and loving to people from all walks of life. Yet anyone raised by Baby Boomer liberality will be familiar with the well-intentioned but corrupted ideas woven through this familial-political tapestry.
Let’s take sexuality - just for starters. In this socio-familial schema gay people were welcome members of society – but they were also Othered and singled out in conversation at most opportunities: therefore John became “our gay friend John” (meanwhile we'd never hear “our straight friend Mary”). These same adults persisted in using the word “homosexual” as a noun, even years after being told it is an outré and offensive use of language. Gay individuals were tolerated or even loved (if you can call it that) - but men who were too “sissy” were disparaged (in favor of the stoic, silent, suffering “straight-acting” gay man), and lesbians who were too “mannish” were looked at as both admirable (for their supposed machismo), and alien (for their difference). The existence of femme lesbians was ignored.
Any other sexual identity was simply not named - and therefore erased.
If my upbringing with regard to gay and lesbian individuals was relatively poor, you can appreciate how much worse it was with regards to the trans community. The first words I heard describing trans persons – words I heard on the playground or in adult conversation – were (I know now today) offensive, silly, scary, and inaccurate. When adults in my life talked about trans individuals they parroted harmful, ugly views – while absolutely believing they were being tolerant and kind. For instance, one friend of the family that I heard discussed was a “man who became a woman”, alternatively referred to by "his" or "her" pronouns. This story was repeated to me carefully and persistently through my childhood without overt malice, but it was still malicious because it emphasized her assigned gender at birth and because it framed her as an oddity, a carnival show. Today I know that this story, the oft-repeated adherence to the framing of this story in the absence of a proper framing, was an act of violence against my child mind.
This corrupted education wasn’t just in the family, or on the school playground either. Examples of trans characters in film and television (especially in the B-movie horror films I loved to watch) have historically been mildly problematic to simply nightmarish. Trans men were almost non-existent in film and television, usually portrayed (if ever) as tragic loners. Trans women were presented as violent, evil murderesses or duplicitous divas. Non-binary or genderqueer individuals were almost invisible entirely; they were occasionally presented as exotic, weird, and affected.
Today when I re-watch these films I flinch; but as a child, I more or less internalized these portrayals. The message was clear. Trans individuals were scary; they were Other. They were dangerous! They were on the outskirts of society and they deserved to stay there.
Even in very recent history, film and television works demonstrate we have a long way to go.
As a child and teen I don’t remember once being exposed to a healthier view of trans identities. I believe that could have helped me a great deal - for my children yes, but for myself and every friend and acquaintance I've had. It would have made an incredible difference if the adults in my life – family, adult friends, teachers – would have cited a person’s pronouns properly, dropped the “male-to-female”/"female-to-male" lexicon of transition (“used to be a man”/”used to be a woman”), disavowed the practice of deadnaming, and spoke out against toxic (and/or absent) media depictions of trans individuals. Helpful, too, if the adults in my life would have explained that a trans person can be straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, or any other sexual identity under the sun.
I got a crummy, harmful, malformed education on the topic and it's horrible that so many still do.
Today’s world is a little safer and a little more welcoming for trans individuals.
A little.
Openly trans individuals are able to run for, and attain, public office. If you are cisgender and reading this, you probably know someone who is trans and out (remember, no one is required to be out about their gender or sexuality, either). Even small towns are better than they used to be: in my family's experience, living in a semi-rural ex-logging town, my family has received a great deal of support – more than I would have expected (although as my classmates’ behavior demonstrates, a lot of people are hostile and unsupportive – just chickenshit in person). But we are also white, middle class, housed, and I have a professional reputation locally - others in my community are far more vulnerable.
As affirming as our friend circle may sometimes feel, it is still a dangerous place for our trans community. 2020 was our most violent year for transgender individuals. Reprehensible “bathroom bills” dog our legislature in attempts to pathologize, humiliate, exclude, and criminalize trans individuals. Old myths have experienced a rebranding: the “social contagion” theory recently made news with a poorly-crafted study and the pseudo-scientific term "rapid onset gender dysphoria" (with attendant faux-legitimizing phraseology like "desisting"*). Mainstream media outlets program and broadcast poor - or harmful - coverage. Recently states have been attempting to ban trans athletes from competition (although other states are pushing back).
Quite simply put, adults continue to wreak havoc for trans youth – teens and children – within the home, in our institutions and law, and in every possible public venue.
That said, I have not lost hope. Many people are trying to do better. This is a heartening but often messy experience. As a trans parent in a trans family I am often approached in private by people with questions. Some of these people want to do right by myself and my family; some want to do right by children in their lives. Most demonstrate their concern, their desire to do better - and many reveal their ignorance. For instance, if I describe an activist I know as a “trans man” the cisgender party in the conversation is often confused by what that even means; this shows a profound unfamiliarity with the community and the educational resources available.
Sometimes the questions I get are (probably) well-meaning but still inappropriate: personal questions about sex-at-birth or genitals, sexual preferences or practices, and medical experience.
I participate in a few online support groups for trans parents, trans parents of trans children, and allies to trans parents of trans children. These groups have mostly been helpful and instructive. I also support (financially and by signal-boosting online) groups that are helmed by trans individuals and centered around this advocacy. I continue to listen to podcasts, to read essays and books, and to offer support not only to my child but to my many friends in the local and online community.
In the present common parlance, a cisgender person who makes the time to do what I have just detailed in the paragraph above is often called an “ally”, or personally claims that role. I don’t mind the term “ally” but anyone who so identifies needs to remember to center the work and experience of trans activists and individuals, always. For an ally, this work is less about being “right” (or getting it “right”) and more about being willing to look deeper, and do the attendant work.
I can definitively state that you have everything to gain by being willing to change, and showing that willingness by your actions.
The ideas I was raised with about trans individuals were ugly, incorrect, harmful, and pathetic. I benefit tremendously from leaving them behind. The children I raise, and all the world’s children, will as well.
When it comes to trans children and teens, any harm we do to them is inexcusable, and there is no justification for continuing our harmful behavior. It takes time to change, and we will make mistakes – I have made many myself – but to simply ignore the harm we perpetrate is inexcusable. This is most especially true when, as I say, there is so much education at hand.
To that end, I charge each person reading here to seek out trans activists and authors. Learn to recognize transphobic language and behaviors, and shut them down. If you are cisgender then accept rebuke, censure, and anger from trans individuals without defending yourself. Commit to making the world a more just, fair, and kind place.
For every ignorant classmate online – or any other person I see who thinks of my family as disgusting – there have been ten, twenty, thirty, a hundred acquaintances who support and love us. They simply use the correct pronouns and names for my family, and they continue to deepen their education. These individuals demonstrate that powerful, shining strength and ability to change for the better – an asset in the human race that is quietly beautiful indeed.
Further readings
*"Teach your parents and providers well", from the official journal of the College of Family Physicans of Canada
Gender Spectrum, a non-profit resource for children and teens
Transgender 101: A Simple Guide to a Complex Issue by Nicholas Teich
activist Julia Serano’s website and writings
"How to Be an Ally to Trans People" at Teen Vogue
“Including LGBT-Content in Sex Education: Four Wrong Ways (and One Right One)” at GLSEN
this piece is adapted from a blog post of mine from October 2018