As my partner & I walked out of 'The Deli' [our FAVE breakfast spot in Santa Fe], I grabbed a copy of the Santa Fe Reporter's 'Love & Sex' issue. It comes out every year just before Valentine's Day. He said, "Feeling the need to get your learn on?" And I responded, "Well, I'm a virgin ya know?!? Gotta study up on this 'sex' thing."
for the record...
I'm absolutely not a virgin.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate that the cover image doesn't hide the fact that hidden inside these pages is NOT cis-het stories of love & monogamy. I shouldn't have been surprised when I opened to the Table of Contents & saw that on pg. 8 was an article titled 'Butting In: A gentleman's guide to the backdoor orgasm'. But, I was.
I couldn't help myself. I turned RIGHT to that page & began reading. Oisín Óg is the author. He never states whether he is homosexual, but he does say this article is for the 'forward-thinking gentleman of 2026 who knows prostate orgasms aren't just for gay guys anymore'. He provides the reader with 8 tips that SHOULD lead to a mind blowing orgasm that one can't experience via penile stimulation alone. He goes on to classify 4 different types of male orgasms; 3 of which require attention to the prostate. He closes the article with a disturbing prediction from the American Cancer Society. According to his research, 36,000 people are expected to die in 2026 from prostate cancer. Regular orgasms are a known preventative measure. His research led him to a Harvard study that suggests 21 orgasms a month is the MINIMUM amount required for prevention.
Since identifying as a trans man, I've had less than 10 'back-door orgasms'. Only a few of those were with a partner. I'd like to change that. But, if Oisín's tips are 'correct', the fourth one --- RELAX --- is keeping me from this ecstasy. It's hard to feel relaxed with the state of the world being what it is. Harder still if you identify as trans! Add to that, a person who has severe sexual trauma with a nervous system that seems stuck on 'fried' & it feels nearly impossible.
When nearly ALL of your sexual experience is heteronormative it is hard to even fathom what pleasurable queer sex looks like. I have memories, belonging to alters who've already integrated, that feature anal sex. None of them resemble anything I'd deem as 'pleasure'.
The Guy Who Took My 'Consensual' Virginity
I know for a fact I'd had sex before I turned 18. I don't remember it. I didn't consent to it. I just know it to be true. But, for the purpose of the story we'll say this guy is who I 'lost my virginity' to. It happened at a party. The girls I went to cosmetology school with gathered to dye each other's hair whilst consuming copious amounts of Mike's Hard Lemonade. Later that night, we called our boyfriends to join us for some light-hearted fun [skinny-dipping & strip poker]. We all spent the night. Being that I'm an early-riser, I was one of the first people awake. I woke my boyfriend up & we preceded to have sex on a couch belonging to my friend's parents.
I'm not proud of it!
Like the old Pringles commercials said, "Once you pop, the fun don't stop." We fucked like rabbits after that. He introduced me to, & turned me against, cunnilingus. Rather than helping me understand my body, knowing about my repressed religious upbringing, he curtly stated, "That doesn't taste right." He never went down on me again. That lived in the back of my mind for years & ensured that ANYTIME another guy attempted to head downtown, I'd grab his head & pull him back to the lips on my face.
I have a faint memory of him asking me to stick a finger back there once or twice. Again, without ANY explanation about the physiology [or psychology] behind it. My reaction must have not been very receptive because he stopped asking.
The Guy Who 'Outed Me' 12 Yrs. Before I Outed Myself
In retrospect, this guy was giving off MAJOR bi-sexual energy from the day we met. But, I hadn't moved very far away from the missionary style approach to sex meant for biological reproduction that was imprinted in me. So, you could've told me he was 'down to clown' & I still would've been clueless.
He wound up convincing me to test out a finger or two several times. Although, I couldn't tell you anything about his or my experience because I dissociated through it. My entire system was screaming, "THIS IS WRONG!" So, I allowed the meat suit to go about its 'duty' while maintaining a safe distance; tucked away inside of my own head.
The VIVID memory of him 'outing' me didn't make sense until I re-aligned myself with my masculine identity. While fucking me from behind one day, he pointed out that I masturbate my way through sex. Again, not willing to help me see my body through a loving lens. Not capable of understanding that many female-bodied people [around 18.6%] can't orgasm with penetration alone. Certainly, not willing to believe that I might not have actually been female & was actively experiencing dysphoria.
The Accidental Poke
By the time I'd started having sex with this guy, I'd ventured out more. Although, doggy-style still reigned supreme in my preferred positions. He couldn't get over how easily I could squirt. [I had NO clue this was so 'rare']
I have no memory of him requesting any butt stuff for himself. But, I'll never forget the horror of it accidentally happening TO ME...
We were going at it rather fast & furious in my favorite position, of course, when he slid out & attempted to slide back in... THE WRONG HOLE! I had never moved so fast nor screamed so loud. I ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, & sat curled up in a ball behind the door. He followed, after putting pants on, & tried to coax me out with apologies, inquiries into what he'd done wrong, & assurances that it wouldn't happen again. I yelled through the door, "GO AWAY!", until he preceded to pack his things & go home.
My FIRST Queer Relationship
Other than vibrators of my own & a cock ring that some guy brought with him to a hook-up, I had NO experience with props being brought out during sex. So, you can imagine my shock when my first girlfriend [eventually became my wife] had me don a thick red collar attached to heavy metal leash within weeks of establishing a sexual connection. I went along with it, but it certainly wasn't something I was used to.
I didn't want to 'ruin' my first lesbian experience, so I agreed to them using their eggplant dildo on me. It was conveniently located underneath their pillow. I see, now, why there's so much discourse in the lesbian community about NEW toys accompanying NEW partners.
When they asked, later on, if I wanted them to use it in my ass, I just nodded. By this time, it'd been established that they preferred to be in charge & it was my role to submit. I didn't prep. I wouldn't have even known what that looked like. They lubed it up, & with very little warning, shoved it in my hole over & over again for what felt like hours. I think I was saying, "Thank you Daddy. This feels so good Daddy." But, if I'm being honest that had been my script for EVERY sexual encounter for years at that point. It wasn't reflective of how I felt, because I wasn't capable of FEELING anything during sex. I was heavily dissociating to keep images from past experiences, ones I DID NOT consent to, from coming through.
I know that I have vaginal dysphoria. While I've overcome the barrier that prevented me from enjoying being ate out, it requires a connection with the person doing the eating that many people don't work for. I identify as gray-sexual. Which, for me, means I understand the 'need' for sex, but it being a solo experience or a shared experience doesn't really matter.
There is joy to be had in sharing pleasure with your partner[s]! And, I DESIRE to open myself up to that concept again. Maybe there is some work to be done with these permeating memories that seem to have 'ruined' my relationship to pleasure. Maybe Oisín's article helped me see that. Maybe we need to talk about sex, even anal sex, more openly?!? Because, whether you're aware of it or not, there are late-in-life queers that have yet to experience their 'full potential' due to a lifetime of shame & trauma. Furthermore, there are gay & bi-sexual men who've been raped, but didn't report it or deal with it for fear of being ridiculed.
I'll end this with my favorite quote from the article...
"Prostate pleasure isn't about conquering. It's an open dialogue with your nervous system & your imagination."
There is healing to be had, fellas. We just have to open ourselves up to it. Please take care of yourself[ves], so that I don't have to read your name in the obituaries after you pass away from prostate cancer this year.
A.G.