I've been having a real hard time lately.
I've been experiencing a lot of personal losses lately, failing to succeed in areas that I so desperately want to succeed in, and getting knocked down. And it has me really feeling how tired I am. It has me questioning how important this art stuff is, and whether or not my efforts are even paying off.
So this week I took a break. I took a couple days off work. Which was hard enough. I've been working under the impression I can't do that. I can't take a couple days off. I can't afford it. But this week I said "fuck it. I can't afford not to take some time for myself." So I did. and the world didn't end. The world opened up. In fact, the world got better.
See, when I took the time for myself on Tuesday, I had a terrible mental health day. My therapist told me on Monday that sometimes you need a day to hide under the covers, and I woke up that morning so utterly miserable and weighed down by my own mind that I didn't take any assignments, I turned off my phone, and I went back to sleep. I spent the day in bed watching dumb videos and napping and letting myself feel sad and disappointed. It worked. I went to work on Wednesday.
On Thursday, I didn't go to work. It was my birthday, and I was on the fence about it, but when my partner came over Wednesday evening and said he didn't have work and he was all mine for my birthday if I wanted, I decided I did want, so I turned off my alarms, did not take any assignments, and let myself have a day that I just enjoyed with one of my favorite people. It was the smartest career move I've made in a long time.
You see, we took a pleasant walk to the coffee shop with the dog, then we walked to the art museum from my house. we saw the Japanese woodblock exhibit and then made our way to the Sour Duck for their burger happy hour and some bomb desserts. All the while, we talked about storytelling and performance and art and we let ourselves dream about making stuff that really made an impact for the first time in a while. I came out of it refreshed. On Friday, he went to work and I started to pack as I planned on driving to Houston for the weekend. That night, I spent time with friends, then the next day I had a day of theatre, reading scripts, finding monologues, and watching a show at the Alley followed by a wonderful two hour conversation about art and performance and theatre with a friend at Birra Poretti's over my traditional post show dessert. And in all these encounters with friends and loved ones I was told how talented I was. this sequence of events led to me leaving Birra Poretti's a changed woman. somehow the career I was sure had died during the Covid 19 pandemic and buried at the time of my cancer diagnosis resurrected from the ashes, and I had a view of what it could be now with such clarity.
My friend told me last night I was one of the most talented and knowledgeable people they knew. And I don't know why it was him in this series of events that did it, or perhaps it was the $100 down payment I had on a commission the night before, or maybe it was the conversations I had with my friends on Friday or my partner on the day of my birthday, or maybe it was all of it at once ending in this conversation...but however it went, something clicked, and I realized a lot of people had been saying this to me lately. It might actually be true. I am talented, and skilled, and I have amazing ideas that cannot be left alone to waste away in a vault somewhere. And no one was going to make them happen but me.
So here I am, making plans, and getting ready to jump head first into performance again. I'm signing up for auditions, and I am applying to theatre jobs again, and I am getting back to my scheming ways of finding ways to make art happen. I am returning to my production company plans and finding new ways to make things happen. I woke up Sunday morning to a new member and a new commission, just proving further that you all believe in this creative spirit I've got, and you all know that some beautiful things are going to come from it. and I think I finally am on the same page as you are. where I not only believe I can and will do these things, but that they will be good. I'm excited about it again. And it's a breath of fresh air.
So again, thank you to all of you who have been supporting me through this platform. You are making such a huge difference in my life not just my supporting me financially, but by showing me I do have an audience, and this attempt to reach other people is not just a lost scream into the void. You help me keep going, and I am so so grateful to all of you.
If you are interested in supporting me, please consider buying me a coffee or becoming a member. If you don't feel that you can support financially, you can always help by sharing my art and sharing my public posts with your friends and family. Let them know what kind of work I am doing out here.
I am excited for what comes next, and I am excited to share it with all of you. Till then, I hope your day is hopeful.