Craig Pedder
16 supporters
Depression.

Depression.

Mar 27, 2022

Although I have ben living with depression for decades now, It is something i always keep under wraps. Something i don't talk about. I don't express. I just 'deal with it' quietly. On my own.

I say 'deal with' because it never goes away. It's always there. Just sometimes it's more prevalent than others. To me it has always felt like a darkness, a fog, some sort of black smoke that io keep in a box. One hand firmly on the top trying to keep it all in. But sometimes, when i'm not careful, my grip loosens. And that darkness, that fog, creeps out and the more it creeps out the harder it is to push the lid back down.

Lately, it's been kicking my arse.

As i mentioned earlier, i don't talk about. In a way i have always been in denial about it. But last year it got hard to deny. I have been with Emma for over 3 years at the time. And when you live with someone for a long period it becomes hard to keep things from them. she started to see that things weren't okay with me. The cracks started to show. It was with her support and advice that i finally spoke up and reached out to get help. although things are difficult at the moment, i dread to think where I would be without getting the help I did at the time.

Currently, i have been missing work. I have become a recluse. I have isolated myself from friends and from family.

So why am i talking about this now and on here?

Well on here just because i can't think of anywhere else except twitter to get my words out and i don't think I could have done it in 240 characters or less.

And the now? I want people to know that it is important to speak up and not to suffer in silence. But also I want to speak to everyone and let them know i haven't forgotten about you, i have moved on with my life, Or turned my back on anybody.
I am still here with the same interests and same hobbies, ambitions, and goals that i have always had. So if i haven't been around i apologise. I am sorry to the people i work with for letting you down. I am sorry to the people I haven't replied to. Sorry for the streams i haven't watched. And although I do spend an unhealthy amount of time scrolling on twitter i haven't been as engaged as i usually would be. And i haven't been able to muster up enough energy to produce anything on my youtube channels. I will. Just at the moment I feel crushed beneath it all and find any excuse not to do anything. I still want to. But i don't want to force something out whilst my head and my heart aren't in it.

Thank you for your patience and understanding. Apologies again if i "ghosted you" and i hope to be back soon.

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