Unwillingly as her shadow

Unwillingly as her shadow

Jan 25, 2025

“Ali!” a beautiful lady in her late-20s called out for me as she lightly tapped my shoulders.

I looked around and saw my boyfriend’s best friend, Callie, smiling ear-to-ear at me. She had her one-year-old toddler in a baby sling, while holding hands with her husband, John.

“Oh my! Callie! How are you?” I replied in shocked.

“We’re okay! We’re on vacation until next week. How about you? Where’s Railey?” she asked.

“He’s at work, but he’ll be out in a few hours. We’re supposed to meet here tonight,” I said.

“If that’s the case, why don’t we go out for dinner altogether. Just like the old times!”

I wanted to say ‘yes’, but with such short notice, Riley might not agree.

“I’ll let him know. I’ll send you a message at around 6 o’clock, whatever he decides to do. I’ll, meanwhile, go get groceries,” I said, pretending to hurry.

“Okay! Hope to see you both lovebirds later!” Callie exclaimed.

Lovebirds? Ha!

I quickly turned around and sent Railey a message about Callie and John’s dinner invite. He replied faster than I thought.

No. That was his only reply.

Railey and I were together for three years now. We are now in proper adult age, but we have yet to talk about getting married. I can’t ask him directly because I may sound aggressive; but after a year of being together, he suddenly asked me to move in together. Maybe this is a good stepping stone.

He is a nice guy. He would always provide me with the basic needs, but not to the point that he would spoil me. Our respective families are supportive to our relationship, so we rarely have any problems. But I used to wonder why he never tried asking about any wedding plans, but I never thought I would find the answer to my question unexpectedly.

More than two years ago, I was doing some general cleaning at home during my day off, when my smartphone rang. It was Railey.

“Hey, Ali. Can I ask for a favor? I think I left an important file in my desktop computer and forgot to upload it on cloud. Can you please retrieve it for me and put it on my work cloud? I need it for my presentation later.”

“Oh, sure. No worries. What’s the file name?” I said.

“Proposal draft, dated yesterday. Thanks, I’ll be waiting for it!” he said.

When I saw the document, I quickly uploaded it on his work cloud. It automatically goes into the drive in A-Z format, so to double-check if I sent the correct file, I looked for it.

Beside the file was another document with similar title: Proposal draft. I honestly thought it was his mistake that he already uploaded a file without a date so I checked that, too, so I can inform him that I may have uploaded two identical files.

Maybe life has its own wonders because this file I opened was never related to work.

Do you remember when we first met?

Do you remember our first dance at the prom?

Do you remember when we first had an outing together with our respective families?

…I have always love you, Callie.

I know I should stopped reading it. I always had that uneasy feeling. I may have seen blurred red flags all over between us, but I still chose to see only his positive attitude towards me.

I should close the file, but I my fingers scrolled the mouse more.

You’re getting married in a month, but I still cannot fathom the idea that I’m not the one you’ll be saying your vows with.

I’ll attempt to move on, but the nearly a decade of feelings I have for you will forever stay in my heart.

It’s funny because I can still call my beautiful Callie under the veil of Ali.

I closed the file and turned his laptop off. I wasn’t really feeling anything, but I guess I had to finish my chores. But slowly after that, I felt like an ice-cold bucket was dumped on me that I shivered in disbelief. He still loves Callie, and I am nothing but a namesake and a rebound.

Now every puzzle piece fits the right places. He drank himself to sleep after his best friend’s wedding, to the point that he skipped work the following day. I prepared him nutritious meals to ease his hangover, but only took the soup. He stayed at home for a few days holed up in our bedroom that I couldn’t even hold a conversation with him.

I clearly see everything now. Even without any explanation, I know he was badly hurt.

I cried alone. I had no idea what to do. I don’t hate Callie, but Railey is everything to me.

Right. His happiness is my happiness. As long as I can see him with that wonderful smile, I can conquer anything, even if I have to do it alone.

***

I sent him a reply after his refusal to see Callie and John: We’ll just say ‘hello’ and go home. How’s that?

It took him a while to answer me, but luckily, he changed his mind. I told Callie through chat that we’ll just drop by for a while because Railey is probably tired from work. Maybe she knew her friend so much that she just agreed.

He arrived about a half an hour later, while I really did went for groceries. Maybe he was excited to see her, after all. We met them shortly after that.

Even with the short conversations we had with the other couple, I could see that Railey was uncomfortable. Whenever Callie looks at John and smiles sweetly, my boyfriend chose to look away. It was heartbreaking.

I couldn’t take it anymore, so I act tired. Railey, being a nice guy as he is, took my bag and said our goodbyes.

Inside the car, we dropped our stuff at the backseat. Railey kept on panicking as he continuously making unnecessary mistakes as he prepared the car. He looked out the driver’s seat window and exhaled loudly. Without much thinking, I reached out to hold his right hand, which was clutching tightly on the steering wheel.

“I know how much it hurts, Railey,” I calmly said.

He turned to me in shock. He looked at me straight in the eyes, as if he bombards me with questions through visuals. I smiled sadly.

“I always knew you loved Callie, so I truly understand.”

“How did you—?”

“By accident. But don’t worry, I’m not angry. I’m just hurt,” I said, keeping my tears from falling.

“I’m sorry. I thought that being with you would help me move on. But it still hurts. Nobody knew about this… so I never had a clue that you’d catch on.”

“Cry if you must. I’ll lend you my shoulders.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he replied.

I let go of his hand. I wanted to ask him if we should go on our separate ways now, or if I need to sleep in the sofa tonight. I can always cry alone, so him letting out his emotions is a top priority right now.

I was ruminating for ways on how I could help him, so I looked at my window and thought about making him fall in love with me. I’m the only one who knows his secret, so maybe I could use it to my advantage. I should work on my own happiness!

Suddenly, I heard him unlock his seatbelt. I looked at him to check if he needs anything, but before I knew it, he leaned his head on my shoulder and I can hear his sobs.

“I guess I’ll take up on your offer,” he said while sniffling.

I didn’t say anything. I just smiled.

I may not have his heart right now, but I am unwillingly agreeing to become her shadow until he’s ready to fall again.

Hopefully, I could be that person.

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