Houa Lor
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Let Go

Oct 12, 2023

My chapter of a being a mother has been one that is full of struggles. For a decade, I suffered infertility and prayed on the whispers of the wind that the universe would hear my prayers. Each time I went to walk by the river dam, I would write a small letter and drop it into the waters, asking it to carry it to the heavens so they could read my thoughts. The silent pain I endured was one that ripped me into shreds and left me into a deep, dark hole where I had no way out. I began to cut apart my own heart to feed the silence around me in hopes that I could feel better. By the time I became empty, my world around me crashed, and left me with a dead end. I began to hate myself with a deepness that bled into my pores, my veins and my appearance. I hated those around me who seemed as if they got it easy. No one understood that having a baby was hard for me to do and kept telling me it was my fault. I was to blame, I was to blame, I was to blame.

 

I swallowed so much tears that I drowned my own soul. I didn’t know how to keep living because living meant I had to face the wrath of those who could share a toothbrush with their spouse and become pregnant. I just silently fell into the bottom of the pit and locked myself in. If  no one could reach me, then maybe, no one could hurt me.

 

And I stayed there…for ten years, bleeding, dying and existing in the shadows. Until the day I faced her in a fitting room where she came out to ask me, “Why are you hiding yourself so others can be comfortable around you?” And I had no answer and inside that fitting room, holding yet another pant size larger than the last time I went shopping, I cried and cried. For the youth I had lost, for the woman I let go and the one I saw in the mirror.

 

I’m here to tell you…you are not alone. If you have ever been so lost, so hurt, so invisible…you are not alone. You can find the way home if you simply believe you also deserve the best. When our minds become our enemy, we tell ourselves that we are good to struggle, to stay hurt, to be in pain. But the truth is, you deserve life and you can find it by letting go the fact that you must hide.

 

The awakening in me told me that it was NOT my fault that we were not getting pregnant. There was just something we hadn’t done yet. The awakening in me told me I was NOT ugly like they said I was. They were just being rude and unkind. Something I will never succumb to be and I pray for the best to those who said those words to me…still, because I am NOT them. The awakening in me told me that I CAN change my life if I TRULY wish to. I don’t have to ENDURE others’ painful words and CARRY it with me.

 

Let go.

 

That’s what I did.

 

I let go. I rebirth myself. I changed ME. And the one typing this to you emerged and when she began to take care of herself, began to love her, began to feed herself the gift of life…the babies came. Not just one…many…7 total in fact.

 

Let go. Rebirth.

 

Love & Light,

 

Houa  

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