Altruism 17 - Assassins!

Altruism 17 - Assassins!

Mar 17, 2022

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Eldaline said, "I've betrayed my office and have lost my only companion and have disguised myself in a potato sack to throw myself on the mercy of my worst enemy. Please, tell me I'm clever."
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Andalius listened to her wandering around the room. He was fairly sure she wasn't going to put a lightning bolt through his head.
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And anyway, his room was beginning to look blurry.
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"I wouldn't have pursued this project if I hadn't thought you were clever." said Andalius. "But I'm sorry to hear you consider me your worst enemy."
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"Oh! Not you, the Empire. I did not take your interest in me personally."
"Perhaps you should have." said Andalius. "You've been very helpful. Would you give me a hint on what you plan to break next?"
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"I have no plans." said Eldaline.
"I don't believe you."
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"If I had any, I can't remember them now."
"That means you can stay and have another bottle with me."
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"I suppose I should. Would you like to be the last human I trust?" said Eldaline.
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"I'm almost sorry he hurt you." said Andalius. "Almost."
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There were reasons, Eldaline remembered, why Shadowbanish Wine wasn't good for her, and waking up with a headache and a Penitus Oculatus commander were two of them.
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But it wasn't a proper Fredas evening if you didn't do something inadvisible. Andalius' candle had almost burned down, so it must have been shortly before sunrise.

She was uncertain of something, however. She considered her options by the window before returning to bed.
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Her ears twitched. There was no mistaking the noise. She resolved to be altruistic.
"Andalius." She said. "There are assassins at the bottom of the stairs. Sounds like Stormcloaks. You're welcome. Will you kill them or shall I?"
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"How many?" Murmured Andalius. "Ow."
"Only two. Are you going to get them?"
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"Stay here. I'll take care of it."
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"Good, I'll go back to bed."
"Don't go back to bed, hide behind a pillar. And put something decent on."
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"Of course, I wouldn't want to watch you slaughter assassins while improperly dressed. What would they think? Oh, you have more pairs of boots than me. Andalius, wait!"
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"What is it?" said Andalius. Apart from his headache, his project had gone better than he could ever have expected. It almost felt wrong to reap the rewards of Aureus' hard work. Almost.
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"You have gone some way to cheering me up, at least." said Eldaline. "Kill the assassins quickly, will you?"
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"Quicker than you can imagine." He said, and for reasons that were not his fault, it was the most inaccurate thing he had ever said. Andalius had imagined that the drawn-out section of the process would be waiting for the assassin's neck to come peering around the door, within helpful chopping distance.
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But that is not what happened at all.
"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" shouted Commander Luridius Amavo, as he caused the assassin to come through the doorway much earlier than scheduled.
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"I've got his accomplice, commanders!" said the inspector following up the stairs.
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"Help, help, Varic!" cried Ingrys the Fox.
"Another one who thinks she can take on the Empire with a woodchopper's axe."
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"Now, let's see who our mysterious wigged assassin really is!" said Luridius Amavo.
"No, not my hair! Don't pull my hair!" said Varic.
"Why not?"
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"I don't know!"
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"Perhaps that's why." said Andalius. "What are you playing at, Aureus?"
"By great Akatosh! It's Aureus!" said Luridius Amavo.
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"Of course it's Aureus, we only dressed him up like that five days ago. And don't bring Akatosh into this. It's embarrassing and I don't want Him to hear."
"Oh yes, I remember now."
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"Inspector Aureus Moridus, reporting, commanders!" said Aureus. "I think I thought I was a Stormcloak. I'm very sorry, sir. It won't happen again."
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"Varic!" said Ingrys the Fox. "What's going on? What happened to your hair?"
"What do you want me to do with this one, commanders?" said the other inspector. "Oh, good to see you, Aureus."
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"Varic! How could you? I'll tell you nothing, you Imperial bastards!"
"Is that so?" said Luridius Amavo. "We'll see ab-" But he was not allowed to finish his threat.
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"Speak again, human! Let me hear your voice!"
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Then Ingrys saw something horrible appear. It was one of the only things worse than a locked room full of Penitus Oculatus, and definitely the only thing worse than a locked room full of Penitus Oculatus and a senior Thalmor dignitary, which was a locked room full of Penitus Oculatus and a senior Thalmor dignitary you previously kicked in the chest and who, if appearances could be trusted, was on good terms with a least one person in the outpost.
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Feeling like the most unpopular person in the world, Ingrys performed the most effective evasive manoeuvre she knew and made for the window.
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"Stop her!" Amavo shrieked.
It was better to die from a fall than from all the things that could kill her in that room, she thought. Fortunately the leadwork on the glass panes was simply ornamental.
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"Out of the way of my fireball!" ordered the Second Archivist.
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It was a lovely morning. Ingrys the Fox assumed that Talos the hero-god of mankind had placed a haystack directly under the window because it was soft and enabled her to survive a 30-foot fall.
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But Eldaline, on the other hand, felt that Mehrunes Dagon and Auri-El had put aside their long differences and combined forces to place the haystack there because hay was extremely flammable.  And as with many debates of this kind, there was truth in both sides of the argument.
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But, seeing Ingrys the Fox flee Dragon Bridge with a broken heart and probably several cracked ribs, exactly the same injuries she had sustained in prison, Eldaline felt absolutely no further personal animosity towards her and forgot the entire Windhelm incident. *
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* See "The Spell" chapter in the story 'The Book of Fate'

"All right, you elven lunatic." said Amavo. "This is the Empire's outpost and not your Embassy, so there'll be no more throwing of fireballs. Are we clear?"
"You have exactly three seconds ago to let go of my shoulder, you foul-smelling Imperial worm."
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"Insults aside, Amavo, I wouldn't crowd her like that, if I were you." said Andalius. "Also, worms don't smell. I'm going to see if I can catch the Stormcloak."
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There was no catching anything limping as fast as Ingrys the Fox. Luridius Amavo caught up with Andalius in the courtyard.
"That pointy bitch fire-cloaked herself and now I have no eyebrows." said Amavo.
"You look fine." said Andalius.
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"Hey. What's this Thalmor doing here?" demanded an inspector.
"Buckling under Imperial pressure." said Eldaline.
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"Commander, have you been working on my mark while I was missing?" said Aureus.
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"His mark?" Eldaline shouted. "That's the one who was spying on me?"
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"Do you mean to say, Eldaline, that you've never seen this man before in your life? Then, who have we been talking about all night?"
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"Never mind." she said. "What sort of breakfast do you have here?"
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To be continued

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