Yesterday I tried something new- Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.
It was an absolutely awful day. I don't do good with change and was already dreading having 1 more thing going on. I also thought it was ONLY a consultation and something we could start AFTER California but no...
For those who aren't familiar with TMS, it is a form of brain stimulation that relies on electromagnetic induction. TMS is an alternative way to treat depression when medications aren't working.
This is the most ridiculous looking machine EVER.
The experience was not the best for me. (Of course. I don't have good luck with anything.) We drove an hour for this appointment and I'll do my best to explain what this machine does. They put this cap on your head, a chin strap, and pieces of Velcro to adjust everything as needed. You feel like you have a waited blanket strapped to your face.
As soon as she started the treatment it triggered me. I hate it. With someone who struggles with severe sensory overload, I was already claustrophobic with the head cap and machine on me but when the machine started, I just started balling because for one it hurt, it was too much pressure, and the clicking/tapping set me off. (It's like a woodpecker pecking you over and over, all over your head.) She lowered the settings and turned the intensity down but it was the absolute most obnoxious noise, feeling like I was being pecked in the head over and over, but also the smell in the room, the bright lights, the TV, and multiple voices was just too much for me. I was crying but I agreed to try again. What happens next? I have a full seizure. I lose my vision for a few minutes, my eyes seize closed, and I lost my speech for a while. I HATE having seizures in front of people. That it's self is traumatizing. I don't know what's worse, in front of a stranger or in front of someone I know.
I agreed to continue with the treatment (because we drove a whole hour) but I hated it. She had the settings low but the obnoxious pecking noises, beeping and, awkward sensation on my head was A LOT. Each treatment lasts 19 minutes. I was finally able to finish the treatment but I left with a migraine and it hasn't quite went away. My scalp is sore and it's really annoying.
They want TMS to be consistent. 5 days a week for 4-6 weeks. Obviously that's not possible because I leave in less than 15 days. But every single day when it's an hour drive is not easy either. I usually have 2 days of appointments at least and then have had procedures lately and more MRIs this Friday. My usual appointments are about 45 minutes away from home in 1 direction but this place is an hour from home the opposite direction so I can't do appointments the same day. We can't do 5 days a week (I also don't want to.) So I have to do 3 days a week these next 2 weeks with 2 TMS sessions with an hour in between each.
The plan was to have 2 home days each week before we leave for California because I'm going to be going to AT LEAST one (usually more) appointments every weekday while I'm there. But now I won't have any days to mentally or physically prepare. I'm so BEYOND stressed out. I can't come home and get things done. I came home yesterday and had more shit trigger me, set me off, and I went manic. I then balled for a good hour and then crashed and slept for 4-5. I can't get anything done after appointments because they take the life out of me.
I have to pack, I have absolutely no time to clean, no time to relax, and I'm going freaking crazy. I don't even have the energy to slowly pack when I get home. I'm supposed to be lowering my stress as much as possible but I'm definitely not. All of these appointments and long drives are making me insane.
Guess what I'm doing again today? I'm going to get pecked in the head over and over again by a freaking woodpecker.
I'm tired. I'm exhausted
-Aspen Sage Baxter